What Did You Say?

LJ, my landlady's five-year old kid, was bugging me to study Mandarin with her. She has a Singaporean tutor who comes to the flat three times a week and during the nights when she does not have a lesson, she wants us to role-play, that I should pretend that I'm her student. One day, I allowed her to fulfill her Mandarin teacher fantasy, so we sang the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Happy Birthday in Mandarin, wrote some characters like da and xiao and practice correct pronunciation.

After that first lesson, she wants us to practice Mandarin more. Every time she sees me in the kitchen or outside my room or in the sala watching TV, she always bugs me about our next lesson. She always stands in front of me in her taray pose - hands over hips - and asks me "So, when will I teach you Chinese again?" My normal excuses (when I do not want to be bothered) are the following:

• I can't study now, I still have to cook dinner.
• I'm still watching this TV show, look! (then divert her attention to what's on screen)
  
• I am already tired (in Mandarin).
• I'm looking for my book (then pretend that I'm looking for something on my bedside table)
• I'm searching for something in the Internet.
• I'm surfing the net.
• I'm looking for a job.
• I'm sending emails.
• I haven't transcribed my Chinese stuff yet.

She noticed that most of my excuses involves the Internet. Earlier today, she entered my room and asked me again, and I said, without thinking, without even looking at her, with my eyes glued to the paragraph I'm typing, Not today, I'm looking for something, see I'm surfing the net.

You're always looking for something, she innocently replied. She just said it in her matter-of-fact five-year old tone, but it had an impact on me.

You're always looking for something.
Maybe I am. Maybe I do. I would not give a second thought about this statement if Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love is not my bedtime reading lately. LJ's statement (for me) resonates well with Richard and Elizabeth's conversation in the book:

Liz: So how long will it be before all this grieving passes?
Richard: You want an exact date?
Liz: Yes.
Richard: Something you can circle in your calendar?
Liz: Yes.
Richard: Let me tell you something, Groceries - you've got some serious control issues.


Control issues. Control freak. OCness. Feeling of always demanding to be in control. Always looking for something. Always trying to make things be how I want them to be.


Gah, I should stop this job hunting for now, my Mandarin lessons are waiting for me.